From Epstein files to Clooney and Michael B. Jordan: Nikki Glaser’s best jokes from her Golden Globes roast

Award shows have learned the hard way that familiarity doesn’t always equal fatigue. Sometimes, bringing someone back is a calculated bet, and this year, Nikki Glaser made it pay off. Returning to host the Golden Globes for a second consecutive year, Glaser delivered a sharp, tightly written opening monologue. She set the tone within seconds of stepping on stage.“Just like Wicked, I’m back for a sequel,” she told the A-list crowd.“Just like Frankenstein, I’ve been pieced together by an unlicensed European surgeon. And just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts.”From there, Glaser launched into a nearly 10-minute opening monologue that was fast, self-aware and just pointed enough to make the room tense without turning hostile. And whoever knows the work of Nikki Glaser, knows she does not hesitate. Celebrities visibly braced themselves as she skewered Hollywood’s obsessions with fame, youth and prestige projects.Some of the jokes hit familiar territory: George Clooney’s Nespresso ads, Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history, Kevin Hart’s height. But Glaser kept the pace brisk, layering in self-mockery and industry jokes that landed cleanly.After last year’s well-received hosting debut, Glaser has been open about the mindset behind her approach. Speaking to Gayle King on the January 6 episode of CBS Mornings, she said:“I am a huge fan of these people. It’s easy for me to take down the newer batch of actresses and actors who are younger than me. It’s like, ‘Okay, I can make fun of you. I’m like a veteran.’ But when it’s people that I grew up admiring, it’s a different approach this year.” That balance showed throughout the night. Here are some of Glaser’s funniest jokes from the ceremony, exactly as she delivered them:“Welcome to the Golden Globes, without a doubt, the most important thing that’s happening in the world right now.”“There are so many A-listers here, and by A-listers I mean people who are on a list that has been heavily redacted.”“George Clooney, you’re amazing, I’m such a fan. I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to you right now. I’ve always wanted to ask you this question, it might be unprofessional but here goes. My Nespresso has been coming out kind of watery, and I’m wondering — is it, like, a pod issue, or do you think it might be the filter?”“The Rock is nominated tonight, and, luckily for him, the TV show The Paper is not, so he might win.”“What a career Leonardo DiCaprio has had. Countless iconic performances, you’ve worked with every great director, you’ve won three Golden Globes and an Oscar, and the most impressive thing is you were able to accomplish all that before your girlfriend turned 30.”“In Sinners, Michael B. Jordan played two brothers. Am I allowed to say that? Doesn’t sound right. He played twins. I can’t believe it, we got two Michael B. Jordans. When I saw that, I was like Nikki B. Jerkin.”“Wicked was back with Wicked: For Money … Two hours into that movie I was in tears, like I can’t believe there’s 45 minutes left.”“Ariana, I would listen to you sing the phonebook, grab the one Kevin Hart is sitting on.”“Not a lot of people know this, but Timothée Chalamet is the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping-pong. He gained over 60 ounces, it’s insane.”“It’s a privilege to be in this room with you all. Please keep doing what you’re doing. Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies. And James Cameron, keep making weird monster sex movies.”“And lastly, Steve Martin and Martin Short, keep proving that in this industry, you’re never too old to still need money.”