In the (y)ear of conspiracy theories, Trump hears insults galore

WASHINGTON: Donald Trump and Kamala Harris had the ear of 67 million Americans during the presidential debate on Tuesday, but according to MAGA conspiracy theorists, her victory over their mascot was aided by bluetooth-capable earrings.

Smarting from the multiple smackdowns from Harris that decimated Trump, MAGA loyalists are now resorting to wild speculation that she was tutored during the debate through a pair of Nova H1 earbuds that resemble the earrings she wore.

In the ear of conspiracy theories, that rumor is being consigned to the laughter bin, along with speculation that Trump staged the assassination attempt given that his ear shows no sign of injury.

There is now a sense of acceptance, resignation, and despair among all but the most die-hard MAGA cohorts that an over-confident, ill-prepared, and blustering Trump lost the debate, even though the former president himself maintains he won.
Read more: Trump aide says 'White House will smell like curry' if Kamala wins

"I think it was the best debate personally that I've had...She wants to do another one because she got beaten tonight...The polls are indicating that we got 90%, 60%, 72%, 71%, and 89%," Trump insisted, wildly throwing out random statistics while ignoring questions from reporters about their source.

Despairing Trumpists clung to a moment of levity from President Biden on Wednesday, when he briefly donned a MAGA hat after a jocular exchange with a Trump supporter, to claim that the former President has the support of his one-time opponent.

If anything, the Trump campaign appears to be unravelling rapidly after the debate debacle, followed by endorsement for Harris from pop icon Taylor Swift that drew more than 9 million "likes" to her Instagram post. This was followed by another severe putdown of Trump by pop legend Linda Ronstadt, who wrote a blistering post calling him a rapist ahead of a MAGA rally in her hometown, while announcing her support for Harris.

“It saddens me to see the former president bring his hate show to Tucson, a town with deep Mexican American roots and a joyful, tolerant spirit,” Ronstadt wrote, abhorring “his toxic politics, his hatred of women, immigrants and people of color, his criminality, dishonesty and ignorance.”

Ronstadt said she had raised two adopted children in Tucson as a single mom and lives there with her cat, asking, “Am I half a childless cat lady because I’m unmarried and didn’t give birth to my kids? Call me what you want, but this cat lady will be voting proudly in November for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz.”

“Trump first ran for president warning about rapists coming in from Mexico. I’m worried about keeping the rapist out of the White House,” she concluding in a stunning smackdown.

Even Republican stalwarts appeared to be coming around to the view that Trump is quite stupid and simply lacks the policy chops and nous to be in office even though he winged it for one term. “There’s no putting lipstick on this pig. Mr. Trump was crushed by a woman he previously dismissed as ‘dumb as a rock.’ Which raises the question: What does that make him?” Karl Rove, a former advisor to George Bush, wrote in a WSJ op-ed.

Anchors and talking heads on Trump's favored Fox News were also conceded he was routed in the debate, leaving the MAGA Supremo to fume, "Neil Cavuto, Fox’s Lowest Rated Anchor, is one of the WORST on Television. I actually prefer the losers at CNN and MSDNC!"

Comedians feasted on Trump's debale. “Harris got under his skin like she was stuffing in butter and rosemary. It was beautiful. By the end of the debate, the meat was falling off the bone,” joked Stephen Colbert.