Exclusive! Vidya Balan on 20 years in Hindi cinema: I don’t think I was a game-changer, I don’t carry that baggage

The world may hail her as a game-changer, a sherni who roared her way through Bollywood’s rulebook — but Vidya Balan doesn’t see it that way. Twenty years in Hindi cinema, and she is still dancing to her own rhythm. The actor, who defied norms, wants to be free of those tags and labels – free of that baggage. There’s a newfound lightness about her, yet she’s just as fiercely passionate about her craft as she was two decades ago. In this deeply personal interview with us, she talks about her inner battles, her evolution shaped by heartbreak and healing – and all the joy that went into it.


If you could relive one moment from your 20-year journey in Hindi cinema, which one would it be?The premiere of Parineeta in Amsterdam. I don’t remember watching the film, as that memory is a blur. It’s like your wedding day (laughs). What I remember is standing up on that stage along with the cast and looking at the world. It was a full house. It was something about that moment – this is what I had always wanted. I didn’t know if there was a road ahead, but I felt I had reached the summit. That moment has stayed with me. It’s like I walked up with my back to the audience, and when I turned to the world, my world had changed.

In your early days, how did you deal with stereotypes and industry expectations of how an actress should be? You’ve never been apologetic about the characters you’ve played – whether it was flawed, sensual, loud or silent. How did you stay so true to your choices?
I don’t think I did anything consciously. It’s just the way I am made. I am shamelessly accepting of my dreams and aspirations. I don’t think anything was stopping me from being a conventional heroine. Also, I never thought of myself as unconventional and different – these were the tags given to me. I wanted to be like all the actresses I had admired over the years. With every opportunity I got, I made the most of it – whether it was Guru with Mani Ratnam, Halla Bol with Rajkumar Santoshi or Salaam-E-Ishq with Nikkhil Advani. I played the lead in these films, but they were all different. That is who I am and that began to find expression. When there is success, you are okay being seen for who you are. There are two films where I feel I didn’t do my best – Heyy Babyy and Kismat Konnection. People enjoyed those films, but I got a lot of criticism for it.

It must have been shattering at that point. Would you say there were many such breaking points in your career, from where you had to rebuild your confidence, renew your spirit and rise again?
It happened at various points. After The Dirty Picture and Kahaani, many of my films didn’t work and I was going through a persecution complex. I felt everyone was out to get me. I began to assume a certain kind of self-importance thinking everyone was talking about me. Everyone is not talking about you, but you feel that because you are only looking at yourself. I thought, why is my dressing such a problem? Today, when I look back, yes, it was a huge problem, as I was not doing anything that I liked doing. I am so grateful for that period, those films, the criticism, the nasty things that people said and the humiliating experiences – it made me realise what is the kind of work I want to do. Who am I really? I slowly started embracing myself. It was tough and it came with a lot of heartbreak. I feel my father has given me a certain fearlessness to be myself and my mom has given me faith and that has taken me a long way.

When did the feeling of being comfortable with who you are — your work, your body — finally come in?After The Dirty Picture, I was going through some health issues and the weight kept going up. I had also got married, so people thought that I was taking it easy. Every few months, there’d be a rumour that I was pregnant. I wanted to be invisible in those days, and that is a horrible place to be in. I was at my lowest professionally and personally because of the way I was viewing myself. I’ve been with a healer for the past 14 years, and that has been a huge help. It is a lifelong process. I feel now everyone goes through it and a lot more. At that point, I felt that I was being singled out and judged for everything. Today, I am more in touch with who I am.

If you met the Vidya of 2005 today, the Vidya who was on the cusp of becoming a star, what would you tell her?I would say don’t try too hard. I’ve spent a lot of time trying too hard. Be yourself and go with the flow. Don’t think of where, what, when and how it will happen. It will all happen. Deep down, even I knew that, yet I needed life to teach me that through my journey.

In 2012, when your career was soaring, you married Siddharth (Roy Kapur) — despite having once said that marriage wasn’t really on the cards. Thirteen years in, has the experience changed your perspective?
Yes, I didn’t want to get married at all. Even today I don’t think partnerships are easy and I don’t think marriage is easy. But the fact that we both are from the industry is a blessing, because if anyone can understand our work and life, it is people from the same business. Now I’ve come to understand that marriage is always work in progress, it’s learning, unlearning, relearning and growing together. Siddharth and I never give each other advice, but we are fully supportive of each other and respect how passionate we are about what we do. I feel blessed to have a partner who lets me be. He is my anchor.

Your perspective on marriage has changed, but what were the beliefs or fears that made you resist it initially?Earlier, I could never see myself getting married because I felt marriage was about domestication. I often wondered who my mother would have been if she hadn’t been married. I don’t know if she wondered that though. I always felt ki mujhe shaadi nahin karni hai. Also, I have always wanted to be better than the boys, so a long partnership with a boy seemed impossible. Come to think of it, maybe I never competed with the girls because I always thought the boys were my real competition. At the gym, I would lift heavier weights than the boys. We are two sisters, and I do think that my mom subconsciously wanted a boy, as she already had a girl. In our extended family, there were mostly girls, so the ones with boys were given that much more importance. These are very subconscious things, and I picked up on all those cues and I thought I will be better than the boys. Maybe that explains my career, too, in a way… don’t you think?
Perhaps, a lot of my hormonal issues were an outcome of this rejection of the feminine part of me and I fought it, as I wanted to constantly prove that I was better than the boys. But marriage has allowed me to accept that side of me. Maybe, it has made me realise that I’m not lesser and don’t need to be better than the boys to be good enough. I’m good enough just being me…wholly me!