'My best friend is hinting at wife swapping'

My best friend lives with his wife in an apartment close to mine in the same society. We are almost like family - the four of us plan holidays, dinners and weekends together. He has been my childhood friend. Our wives are also very friendly and love spending time together. My wife friend and I were in college together and we also lived-in with one more friend. But recently I have realized that my friend is growing fond of my wife. I can also say that on a few occasions, my friend has also dropped hints for wife swapping. I could be overthinking or joining too many dots but what if he brings this up? How do I react?

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It can get awkward to sense a long-term friend developing interest in your wife. Spouses usually can sense the growing interest in their partners, especially from a close friend. If you have sensed that your friend has dropped hints on a few occasions, trust your instinct, it is probably true. However, any reaction can have repercussions on many level with this friendship, thus it’s great that you are seeking help.

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You should first reflect on what you personally feel about it, how do you view the swapping suggestion, and then decide your reaction based on that. Opening your marriage up for swapping will require both you and wife to be open and comfortable with the practice. Thus once you know your own feelings, you may want to discuss it with your wife too. Couples who open themselves up to swapping usually have open conversations and ground rules decided amongst themselves before they reach out to potential couples.

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Couples are usually motivated to engage in swapping to add some element of excitement in their mundane lives. As they fall into a daily rut, some feel a need for flirtatious excitement and newness, a need to have a variety of sexual experiences and sexual partners, a desire to have more sex than the partner gives, and sometimes the excitement is derived from engaging in a deviant sexual behaviour – the secrecy and prohibition which makes it more alluring. It can also come from a need to boost ego and need to do away with restriction of marital exclusivity.

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There is also a possibility of growing fondness for your wife over the years which could have motivated him to suggest swapping. But usually this interest leads to suggestions for extra marital affairs. With swapping, he would have to be willing to be comfortable with you engaging with his wife too, and his wife will have to be comfortable with not only you, but also him engaging with your wife. Thus there is a complex psychological dynamic here which may be triggered by his interest in your wife, but may have a lot more it.

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In my practice, I am yet to meet a married couple who attains fulfilment through swapping. Swapping may come up to expand sexual experiences, but usually at a deeper level it may also be indicative of deeper dissatisfaction and lack of fulfilment in the current relationship which people attempt to fix with these external stimulations. It is not possible to experience the touch and separate it from emotions. It will only get more complex as it mingles with the existing emotions of long-term friendship amongst you all.

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Thus my suggestion would be to not react to your friend’s suggestion when it comes up, instead respond calmly asking him to explore where the need is motivated from and how to heal it. You can suggest professional help where he can explore his feelings in a non-judgmental safe space.

Ms. Zankhana Joshi is the founder of Tatvamasi—a Mumbai-based counselling center. She is a Counseling Psychologist and a Dance Movement Therapy Practitioner.


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