Being single: “People think I am a lesbian who isn’t willing to come out”

Naaz D’silva (name changed), 33, a graphic designer, is a happy single woman who is also a part of many travel groups. Often judged as a lesbian for her pixie haircut, she even set out on a solo trip to Ladakh for 10 days recently. Not looking for love, we sat down with her for a cup of coffee in a cafe in Manali, to know how life is treating her as a single woman and here is what she shared with us in a candid chat.
Does it annoy you when people ask you why you are single?
Not really.I guess once you have decided to be who you want to be, you automatically are prepared to take on some very obvious questions. I have an auto-pilot answer to it. I saw I can’t adjust. Simple!
Why do you think singlehood is questioned so much?
Singles are questioned because people feel that we should always have someone with whom we can have this sense of belonging, someone to go home to, care for, be taken care of etc. In case of women, it is this need to have children because you are a female and are made for that - kind of attitude. Also, thanks to the patriarchal society, ‘a woman needs a man to survive’ outlook is very much there even among the educated. It has frankly nothing to do with what the single person feels, but more about what the “society” feels.
What are some of the weirdest, funniest questions you have been asked about being single?
Oh, since I have a pixie cut hairstyle and a lanky body, people think I am the “king” in a lesbian relationship, not willing to come out, hence I am single. I have been asked so many questions on this! I do not even respond. My sexuality is no one’s business, whether I am straight or not!
What strengths do you find in the power of being single?
Independence! The feeling that I can fly to any place without asking anyone, worrying about anyone else makes me feel liberated. I have seen my mother, waiting for my dad’s permission even for something like shopping with her girlfriends. Not that my dad ever says no, but this need for validation from him, makes me angry and sad. My mother made me this independent so that I do not end up like her.
Did past relationship experiences play a role in you choosing singlehood? What made you realise or decide that you no longer want a partner?
Not really. I did like this guy in college but my need to ace in my career was so important that he just remained a crush. I decided to be single after seeing my mom. She is married to my dad, been 35 years and I still see this child in her, yearning to leap out and break into a dance. She got married, had me and my brother, became a daughter-in-law, at what price? She once broke down that she has forgotten who she is as an individual amid all this! No thanks, I am good on my own. My mom supports me and my dad has lost all hopes and given up. Rest of the folks, I don't really care about them.
Any piece of advice for women and men out there who are contemplating singlehood…
Do what you like, be who you are. Care about people but not to the extent of becoming doormats because as a single person, sometimes our emotions take over and we want to lean on someone. But people tend to take advantage of your vulnerability. So please use your brain. Give but not too much. And if you are single, please travel. Pick up your bag and go! You will know what I mean.
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