Here is how to prevent getting defensive in an argument with your partner

Understanding your partner doesn't just mean having to appreciate them at their best, but also entails acknowledging them at their worst. It requires the capacity to listen to your partner in all ways. You must hear each other's complaints without feeling attacked. This sure sounds unrealistic, but if you follow a few ways and practice them along the way, you might just ace it. We're talking about listening to your partner without getting defensive when you both are having an argument.

Now, it is crucial for your partner (the speaker) to complain without blaming and state a positive need in order to prevent any misunderstanding on your (the listener's) end. But it is also important for the listener to learn how to self-soothe. This is essential so that your emotional brain doesn't overpower your rational brain where you end up saying or doing things that you don't mean. Self-soothing will help in improving the stability of your relationship by allowing you to maintain yourself as well as your connection with your partner when in a conflict.

This might sound weird, but it is really helpful to remember what was said when you reflect back and it's time for you to speak. Use a notepad to write down everything you feel like while in an argument. Remember that you are listening to your partner out of care and your concern that they are hurt. It is helpful to tell yourself that you will get your turn to speak and express your feelings once they are done.

It's tough to focus on affection when you and your partner are arguing over something. But it is important to recall all the good memories you've spent with your partner to not instantly reply to them with harsh words when they are already feeling negative and ranting it out to you. Think about how you both bring joy to each other in happy moments as it can help you stay calm.

If something that your partner says is triggering, ask them to say it differently. You can simply tell them, "I'm feeling defensive by what you're saying. Can you please reframe what you just said who that I can understand you better?" This will help your partner learn to choose their words the right way and also give you the chance to understand what they exactly mean to say.

Of course, when your partner is complaining to you, it might sound like it's a personal attack. But you must ask yourself why do you feel defensive at that moment. Because your partner might not even be talking about you particularly and it might be more about the situation that you both were in. Try and focus on what they are describing than taking things personally.