Are cheating on your spouse emotionally?

There’s infidelity and there’s infidelity. The new discovery is called emotional infidelity. In his book titled Emotional Infidelity, author Gary Neuman says that you are cheating on your spouse emotionally even if you are having lunch with a friend of the opposite sex or telling jokes to co-workers before sharing them at home. “If you are doing any of these things, you are being emotionally unfaithful.You are effectively relocating vital marital energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used another person to relate to, and in doing so, you relate away from your spouse,� says Neuman.
“All this talk is rubbish. I cannot see myself as being unfaithful just because I have lunch with a male friend,� says Tina Andrews. “But, on the other hand there might be some truth in what Neuman says, because there is always sexual tension between a man and a woman. About marital energy being relocated, I think you always have energy to work on your marriage if you want to.� But will she feel emotionally cheated if she discovers that her husband more often than not shares an “innocent drink� or two with his female colleagues? Will she feel cheated if her husband is able to pick up the phone and talk to his female friend about anything under the sun at any time of the day or night? “Yes, I would,� she says candidly. “I guess after you are committed to someone you see yourself as a team and I don’t see why he should hang out with another girl minus you.�
Tina’s husband says, “I’d be a boring guy if I have to clear my jokes with my wife first before cracking them in office with my female colleagues.� Praveen Andrews who admits to being a guy who flirts and jokes with members of the opposite sex says, “Sharing a joke or a drink with a friend is not being unfaithful. I still joke with my friends but I have drawn a line that I will not cross. And my wife trusts me. I share everything with her, when members of the opposite sex compliment me she is almost the first person to hear about it. In a marriage it is no longer me, it’s the two of us. Though I don’t agree with this Neuman guy, I believe there are levels of infidelity, in your mind you might have evil intentions while you are joking with members of the opposite sex.� Andrews feels that in that case, “you are cheating your spouse� even if you are not having physical relations with your so-called friends.
Gary Neuman lists out eight points that indicate emotional infidelity.
1. When you hear a funny joke or good piece of gossip, do you first tell other colleagues?
2. Do you discuss all of your work problems so thoroughly with colleagues that you’re all talked out by the time you return home?
3. Do you go out alone to lunch or after work for drinks with members of the opposite sex?
4. Do you enjoy harmless (by your definition) flirtation with someone of the opposite sex at a cocktail party?
5. Do you tell yourself that the juice you get from flirting brings more vitality to your marriage?
6. Do you spend as long buying the “right gift� for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your own spouse?
7. Do you ride in a car sharing pleasant, personal conversation alone with a member of the opposite sex on the way to meetings or other work-related events?
8. Do you share intimate issues about yourself or marriage with a member of the opposite sex?
If your answer to any of these questions is a big YES then Gary Neuman says you are being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse.
Maya Kapur, who celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary last week says, “I think that being emotionally intimate with one who is not your partner is a form of betrayal to that partner. Maybe in some cases worse than being physically intimate. I think I could handle my partner having sex (if it was purely physical), but I think that if he was leaning on her emotionally, and sharing intimacies, then this would have a greater impact. This is not to say though, that we cannot have friends of the opposite sex, but we need to avoid an emotional connection and save that for our partner.�
Well, marriage has never been easy, especially to those who are married. The complexities of holy matrimony is so intriguing that it’s like solving a giant jigsaw puzzle on a daily basis. Enjoy!
sudhapillai@indiatimes.com