My husband caught me masturbating and now he is disgusted with the idea of having sex

I have been married for about 7 years and we both love each other extremely. But there are times when I feel an irresistible urge of having sex and my husband is not around so I masturbate. Sometimes, I prefer masturbation than having sex. But one day I reached home early and felt an urge to masturbate. While I was in action, my husband stepped in early from office and caught me in the middle of the act. I thought it might be provocative for men but my husband was disgusted. Our sex life has slowed down since then and I feel guilty facing him. What should I do?

To be caught in the act of masturbation can be awkward for men and women alike. And for it to result in distance, disgust or guilt complicates the emotions further. To address your guilt, I would like to share that it is not unusual for both men and women to masturbate in addition to regular sex with their partners. While it is common for people who are married, it still becomes a challenging topic for open discussion. It is often assumed that husbands would likely get turned on, while wives would be uncomfortable. However that is not necessarily the case. Every individual processes it differently and responds differently.

People in a monogamous relationship, often use masturbation to fill the gap between unequal sexual desires. Individuals while masturbating explore and discover a lot about what stimulates them, which can be used to improve the couple’s sexual interaction further. Women are also known to experience the highest excitement through clitoral stimulation which doesn’t happen with regular intercourse, thus many times they seek self-satisfaction through masturbation.

On the other hand, masturbation can affect a relationship. In my practice, I have found that the partner who does not engage in masturbation himself and discovers the spouse masturbating, internalizes it to question if they are not enough or if the partner is bored or unhappy with them. On the other hand, there are cases of one partner being so addicted to masturbation, that they never enjoy real intimacy and sometimes only experience orgasm through self-stimulation, which interferes and substitutes their sexual intimacy with the partner. Besides, culturally in India women exploring and expressing sexual desires leads to character assassination and often leads to disgust.

Thus masturbation after marriage can be okay if it does not interfere with your sexual intimacy with your partner. If you are certain of it, then have an honest discussion with him about what it does for you. Iron out any concerns he may be struggling with and help him understand it is not a sign of any inadequacies in the marriage. You can also seek professional help for the same to deal with the disgust, guilt and other emotions surfacing with the discovery. As long as you can maintain a healthy and satisfying emotional and physical romantic relationship, you do not have to be concerned about masturbating.

Ms. Zankhana Joshi is the founder of Tatvamasi—a Mumbai-based counselling center. She is a Counseling Psychologist and a Dance Movement Therapy Practitioner.

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(All images used here are representational)