Double trouble: How 'single' kids cope

<div class="section1"><div class="Normal">MUMBAI: Rahul Shah is just six, but he''s coping with the burden of double absences. His parents are divorced, and he lives with a single mother who keeps late hours at work. <br /><br />"For my son, it''s not so much about missing his father as missing his mother — and that''s terrible. My job keeps me out late and I always feel guilty for not spending enough time with him.He sleeps at 1 am now. That''s why I haven''t really taken time out for myself."<br /><br />Single parenting can be a whirlpool of emotions that make it hard to be centred.<br /><br />Says single mother Mahalaxmi Iyer, "There''s anger, grief, resentment and fear going around in circles." <br /><br />While some children initially tend to say their father is abroad or posted elsewhere, the subsequent pity of others is more insidious.<br /><br />Says Ms Iyer, "I feel that the worst part was having other families tell my daughter ''Poor thing''. We don''t need anyone''s pity. It makes my daughter feel handicapped."<br /><br />"But then, I send her mixed signals too. I try to explain that this is how I feel about my ex-husband, but you decide how you feel about your own experience of him," she continues. <br /><br />"In fact, children can be very resilient, and tend to be more fair than adults. When my husband got remarried and invited our daughter to his wedding, she went. She asked me simply, ''If you got married, wouldn''t I be there''?"<br /><br />It is the natural optimism of children that the NGO Samanvay (which means a coming together of equals) tapped at a workshop for 20 children of separated or divorced parents. <br /><br />"Please tell our friends and their parents that just because we don''t have a dad around, we are not bad," the children had pleaded. <br /><br />Says Jai Vaidya, advocate in family law and a founder-trustee of Samanvay, "The outcome of the workshop, which included play and group therapy, was extremely positive. There was a catharsis of the children''s feelings—anger, frustration, hurt. Unlike parents, children tend to cope in a matter-of-fact way, without all the masala. Some of them said, ''Whatever happens, we''ll be strong. In fact, we would like to help our parents''."<br /><br />The workshop was conducted by psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty, Pratibha Gheewalla, formerly principal marriage counsellor of the family court, and Pratima Havaldar, a psychologist who works with children. <br /><br />In fact, Samanvay was started in 2003 to support families with troubled relationships of all kinds, and this includes pre-marital counselling and counselling for broken families and children. Workshops for single parents are on the anvil.<br /><br />Single parents worry that their children don''t eat properly, are constantly seeking attention, are often more aggressive and suffer from low self-esteem. <br /><br />"My friends say I should be dating again, but right now my child is the only thing important to me," Ms Iyer says.<br /><br />For Ms Gokhale, the need to share experiences with other single parents going through similar pressures galvanised her into starting an independent support group called First Moms last year. The group is having teething troubles, and while some members have met up, they have mostly communicated by e-mail so far.<br /><br />Ms Iyer says it all came home sharply when she put away photographs of former happy married times, only to find her daughter putting them up as something she cherished.<br /><br />What can you do when your grief is your daughter''s celebration? "I''m reaching a stage where it''s okay to say I can''t cope," Ms Iyer adds.<br /><br />Sometimes, it''s inspiring just watching children cope.<br /><br />(<span style="" font-style:="" italic="">Some names have been changed to protect identities</span>)</div> </div>